Have you ever wished you could go back in time and rewind the talk button, retracting what you said? I certainly have - at least twice. These three communication methodologies are among many that teach us how to interact interpersonally and preserve and/or repair those relationships we hold close to our hearts. The ones I'm focusing on here in a brief overview are: Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT); TEAM Cognitive Behavior Therapy (TEAM CBT); and Nonviolent Communication (NVC).
Marsha Linehan, PhD originally developed DBT as an effective approach to treating Borderline Personality Disorder. Today it is used to treat many kinds of mental health issues. The interpersonal effectiveness model of DEARMAN gets right to the heart of what you need to do to communicate your needs without damaging the relationship. This acronym stands for: Describe (the situation); Express (feelings); Assert (asking or saying no); Reinforce (or reward by stating consequences); Mindful (focus on objectives); Appear confident (and effective); and Negotiate (be willing to give to get). GIVE is the second acronym which addresses how to keep the relationship: Gentle (no attacks, threats, judging); Interested (listening well); Validate (nonjudgmental acknowledging); and Easy manner (smile😊). FAST is the third acronym that speaks to preserving your self-respect: Fair (to yourself and other); no Apologies (none that are excessive); Stick (to your own values); and Truthful (don’t lie, exaggerate). Your aim is to find balance between the three main goals of getting someone to do what you want, keeping a good relationship, and keeping your self-respect.
TEAM CBT was developed by David Burns, MD who expanded the cognitive therapy models of Karen Horney, Aaron Beck, and Albert Ellis along with the client-centered approach of Carl Rogers. The Five Secrets of Effective Communication are encapsulated and explained by “Talk with Your E.A.R.” which stands for Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect. Empathy includes the first 3 secrets: Disarming Technique (find some truth in what the other is saying, however unfair); Empathy (including thought and feeling empathy); and Inquiry (gentle probing questions about the other’s thoughts and feelings). The A in EAR for Assertiveness contains the fourth secret: “I feel” statements (express your ideas and feelings tactfully, directly). R for Respect holds the fifth secret of Stroking (find something genuinely positive to say while conveying an attitude of respect). Practice these techniques in order to become comfortable with expressing yourself authentically before needing to use them in a real-life situation when the stakes are higher.
Marshall Rosenberg, PhD developed NVC based on the assumption that all humans can be compassionate and empathic and only turn to violent behaviors when they cannot get their needs met. He posits that most disagreements stem from miscommunication regarding needs using coercive, manipulative language that then leads to feelings of guilt, shame, fear, anger. These "violent" ways of communicating proceed to draw the parties away from expressing their needs, feelings, requests, thereby continuing the conflict. The four components are: Observation (non-judgmental), Feelings (not thoughts or stories), Needs (universal human needs), and Request (non-demanding and using positive words). They set the context, support connection, identify what's important, and reveal your preferred response. Overlaying these components, the NVC practitioner also has the intentions of "open-hearted living" including self-compassion, choice, responsibility, peace, and partnership in sharing power. NVC has been used successfully and studied extensively around the world in myriad milieus such as mediation, parenting, organizations, business, therapy, and justice.
Why not pick up one of these titles at your local library or download to your e reader? You can start today to make a positive difference in your communications with people you care about in your daily life. All it takes is positive intention and practice, practice, practice!
Marsha Linehan, PhD originally developed DBT as an effective approach to treating Borderline Personality Disorder. Today it is used to treat many kinds of mental health issues. The interpersonal effectiveness model of DEARMAN gets right to the heart of what you need to do to communicate your needs without damaging the relationship. This acronym stands for: Describe (the situation); Express (feelings); Assert (asking or saying no); Reinforce (or reward by stating consequences); Mindful (focus on objectives); Appear confident (and effective); and Negotiate (be willing to give to get). GIVE is the second acronym which addresses how to keep the relationship: Gentle (no attacks, threats, judging); Interested (listening well); Validate (nonjudgmental acknowledging); and Easy manner (smile😊). FAST is the third acronym that speaks to preserving your self-respect: Fair (to yourself and other); no Apologies (none that are excessive); Stick (to your own values); and Truthful (don’t lie, exaggerate). Your aim is to find balance between the three main goals of getting someone to do what you want, keeping a good relationship, and keeping your self-respect.
TEAM CBT was developed by David Burns, MD who expanded the cognitive therapy models of Karen Horney, Aaron Beck, and Albert Ellis along with the client-centered approach of Carl Rogers. The Five Secrets of Effective Communication are encapsulated and explained by “Talk with Your E.A.R.” which stands for Empathy, Assertiveness, and Respect. Empathy includes the first 3 secrets: Disarming Technique (find some truth in what the other is saying, however unfair); Empathy (including thought and feeling empathy); and Inquiry (gentle probing questions about the other’s thoughts and feelings). The A in EAR for Assertiveness contains the fourth secret: “I feel” statements (express your ideas and feelings tactfully, directly). R for Respect holds the fifth secret of Stroking (find something genuinely positive to say while conveying an attitude of respect). Practice these techniques in order to become comfortable with expressing yourself authentically before needing to use them in a real-life situation when the stakes are higher.
Marshall Rosenberg, PhD developed NVC based on the assumption that all humans can be compassionate and empathic and only turn to violent behaviors when they cannot get their needs met. He posits that most disagreements stem from miscommunication regarding needs using coercive, manipulative language that then leads to feelings of guilt, shame, fear, anger. These "violent" ways of communicating proceed to draw the parties away from expressing their needs, feelings, requests, thereby continuing the conflict. The four components are: Observation (non-judgmental), Feelings (not thoughts or stories), Needs (universal human needs), and Request (non-demanding and using positive words). They set the context, support connection, identify what's important, and reveal your preferred response. Overlaying these components, the NVC practitioner also has the intentions of "open-hearted living" including self-compassion, choice, responsibility, peace, and partnership in sharing power. NVC has been used successfully and studied extensively around the world in myriad milieus such as mediation, parenting, organizations, business, therapy, and justice.
Why not pick up one of these titles at your local library or download to your e reader? You can start today to make a positive difference in your communications with people you care about in your daily life. All it takes is positive intention and practice, practice, practice!
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